What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
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I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
He took my last fry, your honor
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want