@sara_ashlynn: When I'm mad at my kid, I don't put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
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@captainkalvis: [engagement party] brother: show us the ring! me: we dont have time to watch a classic horror movie Dave you dumb shit i'm gettin married
@TheMichaelRock: I have been reporting moms on Facebook who brag about how perfect their lives are as fake news.