When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
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USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Choose your fighter
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier