@sara_ashlynn: When I'm mad at my kid, I don't put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
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@juliussharpe: Business plan: 1) Spend 20 years mastering karate 2) Teach karate class, so you meet people who don't know karate 3) Rob them
@mstluvstrinkets: Got fast food so many times this week that when mcd's asked me to pull out front to wait for my order, I was expecting an intervention.
@SaraMansford: 911: What's your emergency? Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight. 911: How did he die? Me: It must've been something I said.
@mjkspeaks: God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.