@mommy_cusses: When I'm old, I'm gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
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@sarcasm_inc: Me: I'm hot blooded check it and see got a fever of 103! 911: Did u call earlier about having a bad case of loving me? M: maybe 911: stop
@: Co-worker got his lunch stolen and they’ve agreed to let him watch the security camera tape. This is the most excited I’ve ever been at any job ever. Ever.
@InternetHippo: MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have? ME (through tears): A…a friend