When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
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Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
my astrological sign is a french fry
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
I feel seen
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.