When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
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Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
screw you
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out