When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
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*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
Yup….perfect score!
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.