I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
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Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there