I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
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looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
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Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Google assistant rules
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
catch me on valentine’s day like
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.