when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
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You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Oh hi lol
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
wishing you and yours all the best
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
That was easy.
Pretty much. 🤣
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.