When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
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Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.