When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
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Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
A drum solo but on your face.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.