@MartaEffing: When I'm with you, I'm breathless. My pulse quickens and I can feel my entire body getting hot. Also, you're a treadmill and I'm asthmatic.
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@dafloydsta: [first date] HER: I'm a really big cat person ME: *leans in really close* You don't look anything like a cat
@bazecraze: The whole purpose of travel is to return home and discover what your house actually smells like.
@Midgetspar: Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
@SmartassChef: Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son's lunch box