I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
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Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
I can鈥檛 tell you how many times I鈥檝e opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
God: Noah, I鈥檇 like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what鈥檚 wrong?
God: are you sure they aren鈥檛 all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that鈥檚 crazy
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we鈥檝e got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 馃槺
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
馃帀Made my last car payment 馃帀
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
ME: if you鈥檙e under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
When a comma gets too high it鈥檚 an apostrophe
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Weirdos gonna weird.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
i鈥檝e purchased a pair of men鈥檚 shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.