When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
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Salad is the decaf of food.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
they finally got him. they got macavity
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.