When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
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Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
just pretend nothing happened
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”