When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
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Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles