When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
You Might Also Like
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Life with a cat in one tweet
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work