When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
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A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
tinder is all about the long game
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.