When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
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hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
This could be us but you eatin’
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me