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[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!