My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
You Might Also Like
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Jogging has never helped my memory.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus