When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
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My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?