When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
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safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great