*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
You Might Also Like
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.