My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
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Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!