*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
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[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
#Caturday
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness