When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
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I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
The news
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
went fishing caught a bass
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut