When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
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The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
emergency phone
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
PARKOUR
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.