When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
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Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.