@huntigula: when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like "wheeee!"
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@BBQJones28: I use someone calling me during a phone call as an opportunity to hang up on both of them.
@ItalianBratikus: My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don't have the heart to tell her he's just out chasing Pokemon.
@vineyille: Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
@OhNoSheTwitnt: News: Hillary won the debate! My friends: Bernie won the debate! Trump: I won the debate! Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!