@huntigula: when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like "wheeee!"
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@KeetPotato: me: "what is a librarian's favourite food?" dog: me: "SHUSHI lmao" dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
@Eightinchgoat: When I get a call from an unknown number I answer by whispering: "It's done, but there's blood everywhere!"
@Sean_Burgundy_: Not to brag, but all 6 of my previous therapists are having successful careers in different fields now
@JCWisdomNuggets: I carry two crickets around in a small box so when I say something that isn't funny I can supply my own sound effects. They get real tired.