when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
You Might Also Like
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
I’m literally crying
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.