@TheToxicWaster: When Jesus went to heaven technically he was moving back in with his parents..
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@ArfMeasures: [court] ME: Between 10 & 11 p.m. I was having sex JUDGE: Who are you? You're not even in this trial M: I know, I just want it on record
@AsphaltFarmboy: My black friend asked me if there was a colored printer in the library. I said "WTF man, it's 2015. You can use whatever printer you want."
@Lisabug74: A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
@PaperWash: HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times. -I say as I climb through your window