I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
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[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Only short people can save us
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
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OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.