@thetobbie: When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me...
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@AristotlesNZ: Cop: "You been drinkin?" Me: I'm going to dinner w/my wife's mom & 94yo granny "You're free to go.." Come on dude. Can't you just arrest me?
@Fred_Delicious: If I had a time machine I'd alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
@pizzajaynow: Me: "Sorry I'm late. Car trouble." Him: "What kind of car trouble?" Me: "It doesn't go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start."