When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
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When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
A choir of Spring onions
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.