When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
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If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Wait a minute
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.