When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
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Beyonc茅: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyonc茅: This really changes my song
i don鈥檛 have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don鈥檛 be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Legend 馃ぃ馃ぃ
We look weird together like two p鈥檚 in a ppod
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny鈥檚] I鈥檓 gonna kill him.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
It鈥檚 normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 馃槶馃槖馃ぃ FIRST OF ALL
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don鈥檛 want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that鈥檚 fair.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
You can鈥檛 get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I鈥檓 learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.