When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
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Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes