Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
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You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
absolute chaos
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don鈥檛 have arms, Gary
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet 鉂わ笍馃枙鉂わ笍
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
True
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 馃槧
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 馃槨
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 馃槨馃槨馃槨
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I 鉂わ笍 my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He鈥檚 Carrying At Once
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.