@hippieswordfish: when life gives you lemons, use their natural acidity to temporarily blind your opponent
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@LackOfShame: Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan? Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull. Fan light: Ok wow like I'm right here
@david8hughes: [ultrasound] Dr: your baby is 7mm in length Me [whispering to wife]: ask him Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
@ArfMeasures: [zoo] ME: Haha...this one's face! WIFE: Tha- M [bangs on glass] W: Stop it M [pulls funny face] W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
@TheTimmyToes: (car dealer) is the passenger seat also heated? "Aww for ur wife?" *imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru* yes