@hippieswordfish: when life gives you lemons, use their natural acidity to temporarily blind your opponent
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@mofrorock: Personal ad: Handsome man (29), seeks short, open minded women to poke him in the eye with umbrellas. Busy streets only. No names please.
@sweetandweak: You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
@Tmoney68: When someone tells me, "I think of you as family," I assume I'm about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
@ArfMeasures: [zoo] ME: Haha...this one's face! WIFE: Tha- M [bangs on glass] W: Stop it M [pulls funny face] W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls