When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
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After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
happy mother’s day❤️
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫