@AnOrangeSNES: When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
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@glenna_opt: we all had to sign a card for a coworker thats retiring and i just wrote "please take me with you" in it
@asimplesean: Just saw a dog with three legs. He did have a fourth leg, but he also had three legs.
@babyitsmb: I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
@birbigs: At jury duty they said, "You do not have to be fluent in English." So what you're supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.