When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
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Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Bread puns are on the rise!
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Steam Forums
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Krampus.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?