@SuperJuanderer: When life gives you lemons, you should peel one in front of the other lemons. You know... to send a message.
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@Tmoney68: I've never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
@Brianhopecomedy: "Daddy?" "Yes?" "What are you doing?" "Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter."
@panmidwest: [BAR] Me: What do you recommend? Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi- M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?