Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
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[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft