Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
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5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Saw your ex at the shops
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”