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@BritishNicx: When life gives you melons,
wear a low cut top.
@gruffybeard: 911: What's your emergency?
Me: I'm scared. I *gasp* can't *gasp* breathe *gasp* again!
911: Sir, for the last time, unbutton your pants.
@est1975blog: I didn't realize how parenting had changed me until I was walking by my 7yo with an ice cream sandwich down my pants so he wouldn't see it
@Dana_Bruno: What's that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
@GaryJanetti: Apple is developing an iPhone that pregnant women can swallow so fetuses can go online since they have nothing else to do in there.
@KayRants: I'll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.