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Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.