My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
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I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’