@themorris23: When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
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@ch000ch: my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it's cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
@weinerdog4life: I hate when people talk to me while I'm using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like "Sir this is a display model at Home Depot"
@freypalm: Driver: My God… that weasel… Onlooker: He just went… “pop”… Weasel’s family: *sobbing* Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.