When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
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Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Copy Editor is a rewording career.