When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
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Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
I would like even faster food.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.