When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
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bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Just a phase…
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.