When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
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The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind