When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
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day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.