When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
You Might Also Like
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins