When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
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wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special